What Can You Do to Be More Resilient?
Resilience comes in many forms, explore an array of ways you can build your defenses in a hostile world.
by Veronica Esposito
As the world closes in on trans people and doors close around us, it is more important than ever to stay mentally healthy. Therapist and writer Veronica Esposito brings you the last in a three part series on resilience and how to build and manage it. Read part one of this series here or part two here.
Part III: What the Future Holds
In Parts I and II we took an in-depth look at just what resilience is and how it functions for trans people. We discussed the roots of the concept in coping behaviors, and how it has been expanded to include concepts around systemic oppression and means of not just coping with adverse social systems but healing from them. We also looked at ways to assess your stress and resilience levels and some general concepts around being more resilient. Now, in Part III, we’re going to look at some specific strategies that you can use to help build your resilience.
Note that a full discussion of resilience for trans people could easily fill several books, so this article is necessarily just an appetizer. Because of this, I’m choosing to start with some general can’t-miss strategies that can help build anyone’s resilience. Then we’ll move into ones that research conducted by Puckett and others indicates are of particular use to trans people.
Mindfulness and Self-Compassion
Research has found a strongconnection between self-compassion and resilience, particularly when it comes to stigmatized communities, including trans people. This makes sense, as stigma tends to lead individuals to deeply internalize a sense of shame, due to things like excessive levels of bullying and being scapegoated and outcast from one’s community. Self-compassion can be an antidote to that, as it offers a means of directly addressing that internalized shame.
So how to build self-compassion? Fortunately there are lots of resources for that:
While there are various ways to build your self-compassion, Mindful Self-Compassion is one very powerful method that has emerged over the past two decades. This method combines self-compassion work with mindfulness—which is simply an immersion in the present moment.
The two work so well together in part because mindfulness is in itself a powerful resilience intervention—those who have a high capacity for mindfulness are more able to endure distress and to avoid maladaptive coping behaviors like avoidance, dissociation, and rumination. Mindfulness is also a core component of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which has emerged as a gold-standard treatment for a variety of challenges, including depression, anxiety, suicidality, and borderline personality disorder.
A good place to start with self-compassion is to take this brief self-evaluation to see where you stand. The results of this self-evaluation would be a great thing to process with a therapist, or if you don’t have one you could use it on your own to find specific areas that you’d like to address. You can also use this Mindfulness Quiz to get an idea of where your starting point is with regards to mindfulness.
Once you’ve gotten an idea of your baselines for self-compassion and mindfulness, this page of resources offers a lot of different guided meditations to help you begin to build your skills. Some of the meditations—like Soles of the Feet or Noting Practice—are geared toward building your capacity for mindfulness, while others specifically address self-compassion. Some in the latter category would include General Self-Compassion Break and Loving-Kindness Meditation. For readers who would like to continue to explore, the book “Radical Compassion” is a great place to start.
Going back to our hypothetical trans person from Part I, mindful self-compassion could help that individual deal with some of the internalized oppression that led them to think painful things, like that being trans was a curse. Internalized oppression can be thought of as absorbing the hateful voice that society oppresses us with, and self-compassion can meet that voice with nurturance that reduces and transforms it to something more healing.
Self-Definition
A form of resilience that appears repeatedly in the literature related to trans people is being able to define their own identity. Specifically, developing language to describe oneself and tell one’s own story is empowering. In a qualitative research study, trans resilience expert Anneliese Singh found that all 21 individuals that she spoke with named the capacity to identify their own identity as a core part of their resilience. One informant told her,
I am me. And it helps me to know who I am. I am not confused about that fact. People thought I was a gay man, but I knew all along I was a lesbian woman. I was in drag all those years I had to wear jeans and T-shirts growing up. Things got better when I acknowledged to myself, "Well, I am a woman. And I might be the only one who knows that, and that's OK.”
Self-definition can go beyond coping, as Puckett linked self-definition to the process of building a critical consciousness in one of their research papers on trans resilience.
Critical consciousness has been identified as an important contributor to [transgender and gender diverse] resilience. This reflects the awareness and understanding that individual-level experiences are a product of broader systems of power, which can contribute to the ability to navigate these hierarchies. It is thus unsurprising that the ability to self-define and reject imposed social narratives, particularly related to gender and other salient identities, helps TGD people feel empowered and cope with discrimination.
Here Puckett is arguing that cultivating our own lived idea of who we are empowers us against oppressive systems by giving us the ability to reject ideas that systems such as medical bureaucracies or hateful political groups may try to burden us with. Engaging with alternative systems created by trans people—be it media, nonprofits, mutual aid, professional groups, or other kinds of organizations—helps us to push back.
There are a number of ways to help build your concept of self. Here are some thoughts:
Engaging with books, movies, podcasts, and other media made by and for trans people can help provide examples of how others have self-defined, providing food for thought on how you want to see yourself.
A good place to start could be “Redefining Realness”, a celebrated memoir by Black trans author and creator Janet Mock, and this essay by nonbinary writer Michael Elias in Xtra Magazine.
Media offer the opportunity to see how other trans people have accomplished the feat of self-definition, while also giving direct access to the language that they’ve used to describe themselves. You can take that inspiration in your own direction by journaling your own thoughts, or having conversations about self-definition with your therapist or a trusted friend
Returning to our hypothetical trans person, self-definition could help that individual feel more empowered to be appreciated at their authentic self in the gathering they are going to. Part of their anxiety at not fitting in stems from a lack of self-definition—feeling more capable to define and express who they are can help to build pride and make them more confident to be authentic in social situations.
Critical Consciousness
One of the biggest pet peeves that trans people tend to have about therapists is being told things like, “it’s all in your head,” or “just change your perspective.” While long-term healing does involve re-evaluating overall life narratives, core beliefs, and deep-seated perspectives on oneself, it’s also true that this work will look very different for stigmatized minority groups than it will for those atop the hierarchy of privilege.
This is where having a critical consciousness enters the picture. If an out of touch therapist might suggest to a trans client that they just need to shift how they think about things, a more tuned in therapist will acknowledge and explore the structural oppression that a trans person faces, while also looking for places where we can express our own autonomy to actually take actions to make our life better.
This kind of work is what is meant when we say that we are building a critical consciousness. It can take a variety of forms.
One early stage of building a critical consciousness involves evaluating your own life in terms of where you experience positive or negative amounts of privilege, and examining your earned versus inherited privilege—that is, privileges you experience due to work you’ve engaged in, versus privileges you have simply because of where you were born.
Another way of building critical consciousness would be to learn more about the experiences of other parts of the trans community. For instance, if you are a white, able-bodied trans man, maybe you would read a book written by a trans woman or color, or maybe you’d watch a movie detailing the experience of a trans person living with a disability. Better understanding the experiences of others can help us to have more perspective on our own suffering, as well as to identify areas where we are experiencing particular amounts of stress or resilience—making us more able to address specific areas to reduce stress and build resilience. It can help build community simply by being more connected to the common experiences of all trans people, as well as the diversity within our community.
In later stages, critical consciousness work can involve taking action to address the oppressive systems that stress and traumatize trans people. This involves getting together with other trans people to talk about the issues facing the community and taking actions to attempt to bring about a more just and equitable world. It could be joining a peer support network, mentoring younger trans people, helping pack aid kits for needy trans people, or even just donating to a fundraiser for a trans person in need.
One last idea would be to familiarize yourself with the ideas of Paulo Freire (referenced in Part I) as expressed in his seminal work on critical consciousness, “Pedagogy of the Oppressed”. This page offers a helpful summary of the book, or even better just read the book yourself (it’s short and not too difficult to read, and it’s quite inspiring).
Developing a critical consciousness could help our hypothetical trans person to feel more empowered against distal stressors, like the slurs of a deranged president and falsehoods against trans people that are spread in the mainstream media. It could help them to see where they are able to take action to address the circumstances created by these stressors, and it could help them to connect with the ways that they do hold privilege and power in spite of being a member of a marginalized group.
Hope
It is true that we are currently enmeshed in an extremely rough period that has profoundly tested our ability to have hope for the future. In the face of the cruelty and oppression emanating from the Trump Administration, hope can seem futile, naive, or even foolish.
But hope is one of the most fundamental aspects of resilience, especially for marginalized communities. To quote the eloquent Bryana H. French:
Hope is a necessary condition of working to improve human existence—there must be some sense that the struggle is not in vain. Thus, radical healing requires radical hope. Hope allows for a sense of agency to change things for the greater good—a belief that one can fight for justice and that the fight will not be futile. Freire attested that hopelessness is paralyzing and immobilizing; in hopelessness, we lack the strength to recreate the world. Lear . . . argued that radical hope is an act of courage, when you face devastation and head toward an unimaginable future with the belief that something good will emerge. It is radical because it transcends one’s ability to envision and understand what the future holds.
There is a large body of research linking optimism and resilience, and it has even been shown to ease one’s recovery after an illness or a major adverse life event. Note that optimism does not mean ignoring how dire the world is or blindly thinking only positive thoughts—rather it is an attitude of trying to do one’s best to have a life worth living, even when forces of oppression make that very difficult. If you would prefer to call that by another name than “optimism,” feel free to do so.
How to become more optimistic?
Gratitude and optimism are known to correlate, and having a gratitude practice may help you to become more optimistic. This quiz is one way to assess your current relationship with gratitude. When you take it, notice particular items where you seem to have challenges with gratitude, and focus on expressing thanks in those areas.
One way of building a more grateful life is to keep a gratitude journal. The concept itself is pretty simple: find a regular time each day to write a paragraph about something you’re grateful for. Remember that quality over quantity here is key—don’t just make a list of random things, really take time to explore in depth why you’re grateful for a particular thing.
Another way to build optimism is to work on having more positive self-talk. When things in life don’t go your way, resist the temptation to fall into a self-pitying “woe is me” narrative and instead try to focus on messages like “something bad happened, but I’m ok,” or “things didn’t work out this time, but tomorrow is another day.” Positive self-talk is often more accessible at first if you imagine it being said to you by a loving family member, a supportive partner, or a good friend.
This could help our trans person from Part I have more ability to bounce back from challenges, like the microaggressions they face when dealing with the medical system. It could also make them feel more empowered to take small risks that can make their life better, like coming out to their friend in order to deepen the relationship or going to the party where they can have a good time and build their community.
Practice
Let’s re-imagine the average day of our hypothetical trans person circa 2026. Just as in Part I, they wake up and prepare breakfast, and over their morning coffee read about the latest thing the president has said to slur their community. While checking the news, they hear about the same proposed law in a largely transphobic state that would chip away at trans people’s dignity and ability to live. They note the cruelty of these things and think about what they could do to help, even just a little. They find that there is a small organization in that state that’s been working for years to build resources and support for trans people during times of need, and they send a small donation. They are thankful that they do not live in such a state and are glad they have the means to help out, even if it’s only a small amount.
They then see that a leading paper has published yet another opinion column arguing against trans rights, and they note the falsehoods and mischaracterizations that no editor seemed to challenge before publication. They decide to set aside some time later that day to write their own letter to the editor. They are a fairly eloquent writer, after all, and providing just a little bit of pushback can help. They remember that there is a good LGBTQ resource center in a nearby city that hosts monthly outings and book club meetings and they add the next one to their calendar, ensuring that they will be able to take advantage of a positive resource in the near future.
When their phone pings on the way to work with the automated message from their doctor, deadnaming them, they tell themself that they are okay. This is a problem, it should not be happening, but they are okay. Maybe they are not pleased, maybe they will need to call back with yet another reminder for the medical team to fix the issue. They tell themself that they are capable of standing up for their own dignity and they deserve to be heard. They are okay, they are confident.
After work, when they go to meet their new friend for drinks, our imaginary trans person recognizes that mentioning certain details of their past may out them as trans to their new friend. They consider the risks involved and think back to a podcast they like by a trans creator who spoke about a similar fear and how they handled the interaction. They think about the friends they have that already know them authentically and how much nicer and easier those friendships are than when they’ve tried to hide. Perhaps they decide not to worry too much about what they say and to give this new friendship a chance to develop into one of those nicer, easier friendships. They also remind themself that, even if this doesn’t go well, they know who they are and they are confident in that, and that matters.
After drinks, as they’re winding down at home, they think about the upcoming gathering that they'll be attending over the weekend and, instead of worrying about rejection, they feel a sense of comfort in their ability to be confident in their own self-definition regardless of the reactions of the other guests at the gathering.
As they drift off to sleep, they recognize that being trans is hard, especially in the current climate, but they are able to put mindful self-compassion into practice. They begin with a brief meditation to center themself in their space. They can then begin to remember all of the things they like about themself and what a blessing, rather than a curse, it is to know who they are, truly, and to be able to be proud and authentic in that, even in the face of a world that does not always agree. The sting of the microaggressions and the news cycle and negative reactions of people is still there, but they are able to withstand it better and to hold space for the emotions without allowing their own thoughts to be weaponized against them.
This average day in the life of a trans person is filled with a variety of different stressors that they have to deal with, but with the right tools they will be more able to meet these challenges with a sense of self-compassion and confidence and perhaps even be able to help others do the same.
Forward
If you’ve read all three articles, this series has hopefully helped you understand the story of resilience and how you can use it to make your life as a trans person better. As we move through the dreadful years of the moral panic around trans people, and the Trump Administration’s assault on all of our rights, these tools are some of the most powerful things we have to fight back and build a better future for all of us.
Resilience is a life-long journey in which we must actively engage with the forces of oppression to carve out a safe place for us to be in the world. The rewards of such a journey are vast: those who undertake it can see themselves turn into wonderfully resourceful, accomplished, kind, and empathetic versions of themselves. It is a journey that I have been on for years, and I very much hope you’ll join me on it.
Veronica Esposito (she/her) is a writer and therapist based in the Bay Area. She writes regularly for The Guardian, Xtra Magazine, and KQED, the NPR member station for Northern California, on the arts, mental health, and LGBTQ+ issues.